Clean up that life

While cleaning, organizing and decluttering today (I made a little dent) I realized we will never reach the  financial place we would like to be (no debt, financial security etc) if we don't get our other houses in order. One of those being our actual dwelling. While cleaning today I found several unused coupons (for things we buy), several things we ended up buying another of because we lost the first one (such as a plunger and dust pan), things that should have been disgaurded long ago and things we should sell or donate. I know we have de-cluttered many times at this point, but somehow it doesn't stick. I know 2 reasons it didn't stick this time. We moved in a rush, didn't take any time off work and there were literally still boxes (a year and a half later) that were not unpacked! Also somehow we adopted boxes and boxes of my mother in laws junk that she saw as too valueable to get rid of but not important enough to take with her. I have this little voice in me that is always yelling "simplify"! Then I have this other one (maybe of my parents) saying "you could use that some day don't throw it away" or even better "years from now you will look back on that and be so glad you kept the memory" (or something to that affect).  That is what my camera and video camera are for. The time of holding onto the actual physical memorabilia has passed. I would much rather take a photo of the ticket to the special event than hold on to the ticket. (the photo keeps it in mint condition, another perk). My husband and I both grew up with out a whole lot of money and I understand the need to be thrifty and not wasteful. At some level though if you are hanging onto something so you won't have to buy one if you ever need one then you will accumulate a ton of these type things. Then you have so many things that you can't find anything and you are paying mortgage or rent so there is enough space to store all these things (that may not even sell at a yard sell - true junk). Before I know it I am once again surrounded by this chaos of stuff. I know it is fall but I a feeling a serious need to do some spring cleaning. I have also realized I have a mental hang up about throwing away any thing I paid for. I used to have a similar problem with food on my plate. To get past my need to eat all the food on my plate (which means eating beyond the point of being full) I started making a conscious attempt to leave at least 2 bites on my plate, regaurdless if I was still hungry or not. This actually worked and I now rarely clean my plate and only if I am still hungry. I need to think of a similar strategy for getting over my need to keep things I paid for. I need to be okay with throwing things away I can no longer use or have a need for. I have a much easier time throwing away stuff other people paid for (not perfected but much easier). Maybe I need someone else (not just me and hubby) come and help declutter. Someone without emotional attachment to the stuff :)
I feel awesome that I filled our trash can and recycle bin!!! Oh and does anyone out there want a Super Nintendo? It is going in the trash if still in the garage after 30 days.

Why aren't kids free?

I was looking at cruises tonight because I had this great idea today that maybe we could go on a cruise if we took the babes and my mother to help. The reason this was a great idea is because a 3rd person's ticket is cheap and I thought the kids would be free. Unfortunately all the cruise lines charge for kids (can we say full price!) and most ships have a max room occupancy of 4. So they would need us to buy 2 room and a total of 5 tickets!! It would cost a little over $1000 more to bring the kids. Whoa! It seems rediculous to me, but of course the cruise reps sat "You are getting 5 people for only $XX which is only $ per person per day." To which I respond "the kids hardly eat and will be sleeping in our beds." This does not matter though. I am just disapointed that my idea  flopped. I really thought we could take a vacation for less than $1000, but only if we want the kids and nanna to go while we stay home. Otherwise we are over budget. Darn! Back to the old vacation drawing board.

The cop made me cry

Or maybe it was just the last straw on a day that was rapidly spiraling downward. Ugg.. I am tired. I committed to writing a blog (even if no one reads it). So hear I am. I know my child should listen to me based on the respect and honor he holds for me, but today listened to me out of fear (because I yelled). I am usually pretty good about keeping my cool. I try to not be influenced by my 2 year old loosing control of his emotions and to stay positive and calm. Today he broke me. I lost it. Standing outside of my house trying to get him in his car seat. We had already had a very hard morning and my hormones have been going nuts, and I was exhausted. He was refusing to get in the car and when he did ran all around it playing a game of mommy can't catch me. I grabbed him put him in the seat and said "ut oh you are not listening you need to sit down". Of course he screamed "I don't want to listen!" as he arched his back and bucked and twisted out of my grip (and out of his carseat). Then I just lost my cool and in two year old fashion screamed back in a very loud mean voice "You better stay in your car seat" as I tried to use my 100 pounds to actually keep him there. Instantly he got this look of fear (and stopped crying for a few seconds). As I buckled him in he cried "no yelling mommy" (and kept kicking and screaming) then I turned to see a neighbor staring at me in as they had been going by on a walk. Awesome. I drove off thinking 'Were they mortified that I screamed in my 2 year olds face or were they enjoying watching a grown woman wrestle a 2 year old into a car seat (or both)'. As my toddler gets older it does get easier because he can be reasoned with and learn to cope with emotions. Also comprehension is better. Today was just an unusually difficult day. It started off on a wrong foot and we were tired. My beautiful 2 year old came in this morning to wake me up and said "I am hungry". We have a chart we follow and so I went and got it. I explained we would eat breakfast after we go potty or get a clean diaper (as we do everyday) and he LOST it. Full blow tantrum. Arm flailing, legs kicking, screaming, crying, the works! "No potty, no diaper" over and over again. Keeping my mommy cool I said "okay well when you are calm tell mommy and we will have breakfast after you go potty. He threw a fit for a good 5 minutes. Then calmed down walked to the living room and said he needed help with his pajamas so he could go potty. I helped him and he skipped (no joke) to the restroom all happy, looked at the potty and lost it. "I don't want to go potty!" Full blow tantrum in the hallway. Kicking the wall the works. Now at this point I know he is hungry and cranky. Normally would not put up with kicking of the walls but decide to pretend not to notice as I walk off and tell him 'after you are calm and go potty we can have breakfast'. I only thought the tantrum couldn't get worse until I said that. Whoa! Somebody call and exorcist! Arching back kicking, banging his head on the floor, flailing, blood curdling noise flying out. (Of course I am talking to the baby pretending to not acknowledge this outrageous tantrum (over nothing?)). I want to reassure him that everything is okay. So we are sitting 10 feet away and I am telling my baby 'oh I love your bubba, I have no idea what he is saying because he is not calm, he is so sweet when he is not crying and I can hear what he is saying'. Tantrum continues for at least 10 more minutes. Long enough to make coffee, give the baby some breakfast, and eat a tortilla with butter. So long that it was disturbing. Finally I don't think he is mentally at a point where he is going to calm himself down and the tantrum hasn't died down at all. I go in the hall pick him up (flailing and all) and start reminding him to breathe (because I am really feeling he is too worked up). I start breathing deep and after about 30 seconds of resisting (and an unintentional head butt to the face) he finally collapses into me and hugs me while he starts calming down (still a full cry though). I hug him and tell him I love him. Dirty soggy diaper, naked otherwise, I walk him to the kitchen and sit him down to eat breakfast. Normally (not always) I give him a choice (if we have more than one thing) of two things for breakfast. If he has already cried by breakfast then I don't because it tend to set him off, also it is a privilege to pick breakfast. So I play it safe and make him his favorite breakfast food a bagel. He see that I am making a bagel and starts screaming 'I don't want a bagel!! NO BAGEL' as he climbs down from his chair and runs to my feet to start crying (what the heck has gotten into him!). So I breathe and say "oh this is mommies’ bagel, do you want a muffin or bagel for breakfast" (I am thinking he is probably upset because I didn't let him choose). He screams "I don't want anything" and starts hitting me. Hitting is under no circumstances acceptable and if ever anything justifies a spanking it is intentional violence. I try to go a little easy because he has not eaten and had a rough morning and is not coping well (obviously). I take him to his room for timeout and tell him he can come out as soon as he stops crying. (Did I mention the going limp then flailing as I carried him to his room). I am exhausted at this point as is he. Oh and I am trying to watch my fearless and curious 10 month old. So I go for my emergency back up plan and turn on Sesame Street. He is screaming in his room and comes running out to the sound of the music and cries "NO SESAME STREET!!!" Turns off the TV and knocks over his sister. I say "ut oh that was not sweet" and carry my tantruming, flailing child back to his room. (I can not ignore pushing right). He is loosing it (this is the endless tantrum from hell!). He continues to loose it for a good 20 minutes (still naked and in a soggy diaper). I use this time to get dressed and change the baby for a second time (she is almost always in a constant state of happiness unless she is hungry or tired, her dad's personality-God had mercy on me). Finally cookie monster starts singing the cookie song and my toddler still crying comes out of his room to check it out. I have his bagel at the kitchen table and wait for him to calm down then tell him I have bagels on the table. He has stopped crying. Looks at me walks over to the table and with that stubborn rebellious whatever the consequence I will win attitude throws the bagels to the wall which bounce off and hit the floor and says in a very defiant tone "No bagels". Really?? Oh my gosh! I have to discipline him for that right. I would love to just ignore it but he is trying to test me and we of course can not allow throwing food. Also that tone he used he might as well have told me with explicative in the middle. Ugg.. "Ut oh that is so sad. We don't throw food and make messes in our house". I haven't even made it to him before he is again in a full tantrum. Exhausted I drag/carry him to his room. I tell him to stay in his room until he is ready to follow the house rules (posted in his room and through out the house). [1.Be sweet 2.No mess making 3.Listen to Mommy and Daddy 4.Help others] He can pretend to read them to me (correctly) so I know he knows them. Tantrum last a good 20 minutes. Elmos World comes on and that gets his interest. He walks out crying. I have decided to avoid any further battles because he is hungry which makes him cranky. I put the bagels on a plate on the couch with a drink. I don't mention it and let him finish watching the end of Sesame Street. I figure if he notices and is hungry enough they are there. He stops crying. Sesame street ends and I tell the baby "look there is a plate on the couch". He looks over there climbs on the couch , tells his sister "this is my plate!" and starts eating. In retro spec maybe he won that battle? At least I finally got him to eat (an hour and a half later). When he finished eating I HAD to get that diaper off. I told him "I need to change your diaper" he told me "NO I want to keep my diaper" (of course). So like a band aid I went and ripped it off really fast and wiped. Guess what time it was. Naked tantrum time. I let him tantrum for a while until he started gagging. At which point I sat next to him and held him close and "shuuushed" him kicking and screaming until he just turned into me and started catching his breath. Finally he was calm. I carried him to the couch and sat with him. We were supposed to be visiting a friend for a play date but were no where close to being ready. I packed the diaper bag, found the keys, and asked him if he wanted to go see his friend. I was actually surprised when he said no. Getting the diaper on and clothes on were there own battles. I did a good job keeping cool until the car when I finally yelled at him (I don't know if I have ever done that). The worst part I guess is that it worked. Play date went well until he went #2 in his diaper and I tried to change him. He was fighting and tantruming. Nothing like wrestling a child with poop and trying to not let it get anywhere, hold him still and wipe him. So we left. He tantrumed all the way to the car, to his seat, while I buckled him, while we drove. He was upset we left (I told him if he didn’t lie down and let me change him we would have to leave). When we got home he refused to get out of his car seat and buckled himself back up! I was exhausted and said "okay you want to stay in the car, we are going inside" and walked in the door (left the car door and house door open). I watched him through the blinds and after about a minute his tantrum changed to "I want to go inside". I smiled, at least I can get some entertainment out of this- one point for mom. I asked him if he would stop crying, and he tried to stop and say yes. I asked him if he would be sweet and listen to mommy. He said "I sweet, I listen" as he was catching his breathes. So something was out of whack today. The baby stayed up trough the whole first nap time and come 2nd nap time both were still going strong. So after lunch instead of having another battle with nap time I decided to go run errands and give them an opportunity to rest on a nice boring drive to the bank and to donate at Goodwill. The baby fell asleep. I went to the bank. Toddler still going strong and talking a million miles a minute. I stopped in a parking lot and checked face book, my email, said a prayer, and looked up goodwill on the gps. Toddler realizes we have been stopped for a while "Mommy why you stop. Keep driving mommy. Where we going? Where next?". "We are going to donate some things and then home. Mommy had to stop to get directions". "I am thirsty mommy" oh no I did not bring a sippy cup. duh. I thought surely with all the crying he would go right to sleep. We just ate lunch and he drank plenty. "We will get a drink when we get home sweetie in just a little bit" "but mommy stop and get juice and a HOTDOG" as we drive by Sonic. ugg have I really stopped there enough for him to know they have apple juice and a hotdog. Bad mommy. "Sweetie we will get food and a drink when we get back home". Phone rings. It is my friend from bible study. I should take it and see if we are still meeting tonight. I take the call. Up ahead is flashing yellow lights. School Zone. I slow down. It is not 2:30 yet is it why is it already flashing. Get a bad feeling. Look in the rear view. I am being pulled over. Fantastic. Fits pretty well with how my day has gone. I wasn't speeding. What the heck!


"gotta let you go I am getting a ticket"


Toddler "Don't stop mommy. Do you need gas mommy? (Pulled in a gas station)"


Dig for driver’s license and insurance.


"Do you know why I pulled you over ma'am?"


"Is that a police man mommy?"


"Actually I was not sure why."


"Look Mommy IT'S a POLICE MAN at your widow"(pure joy)


"Ma'am it is against the law to drive in a school zone and use a cellular device and I witnessed you using you cell phone"


"Really?? I didn't know that was against the law?" (I really didn't!)


"Yes ma'am and I will have to give you a ticket because we have absolutely zero tolerance for this sort of thing. It is a safety issue"


ugg. I just got deferred adjudication on a ticket for speeding a couple of months ago. 40 in a 30. (I was lost and didn't know the speed limit so I was trying to hang with traffic and it wasn't residential but rural). I realize insurance premiums will be arising, and I will now have a ticket on my record. ugg. I wanted to ask him if this is considered a moving violation when he walked back to my window with the ticket. Since I was on the verge of tears though I decided to just Google it later. He drove off and I was upset. I drove around the back of the station towards an exit and just barely missed running head on into someone else taking the corner around the building too fast. The adrenaline rush must have put me over the top. I lost it and started crying. Parked the car.


"Why are you crying mommy? Are you sad?"


"Yes sweetie"


"Why mommy?" (Maybe it is not a good idea to tell him the policeman made me sad, I want him to honor and trust them)


"Mommy is just really tired and needs a nap sweetie"


Better suck it up and keep driving. Pray a little. Breathe a lot. Back towards Goodwill. Drop stuff off. Man tries to be as nice as he can. Ask me if I want a receipt or if he can help me in anyway several times. Must be obvious that I have been crying. Toddler still wide awake.


"I am thirsty and hungry mommy"


Driving home he sees a Sonic in the distance.


"Can you get me apple juice mommy?" oh what the heck it is half price happy hour


Pull in.


"Yay! I am happy we get apple juice and a hotdog mommy! Do you want apple juice and a hotdog too?"


Hotdog??? I didn't agree to that. I can't argue anymore. I feel beat. "No mommy doesn't want a hotdog sweetie"


"You don't want to eat a hotdog too mommy?"


"No. thank you sweetie"


Never did take a nap but was happy most the rest of the day. More PBS when we got home. I was too tired for anything else. Thank goodness tomorrow is a fresh new day. Watching our parenting video or reading a book may need to get prioritized on my To Do list again soon.


Morning is not my preferred time to have issues. I am not a morning person and my son takes a lot after me. I am thinking of removing potty as the first thing we do to avoid morning melt downs as we get started. I could put it after breakfast but he usually needs to go first thing and we are trying to encourage potty training. It would help avoid some early morning battles though. Any thoughts?

Going green (getting off the grid)

So I have always secretly wanted a roof covered in solar panels, a power generating windmill, and an organic garden. (Don't we all?) But I am not sure where one would get started with this sort of thing. Is it possible to start small? I have a fig tree (that has never produced fruit). Does that count? We struggle to keep our yard alive. I wouldn't even pretend to know how to start a garden. I remember we planted one with my mom when I was around 10 or 11. It was really cool! I do have memories of it being a lot of work too, and remember quite a bit of hoe-ing (what is the proper term for that?). I am pretty sure my mom did much more work than we did. Even the work we did seemed like a lot though. Also I am pretty sure solar panels would not be approved by the HOA. I guess the first step would be to ask though. If they said no then I guess the next step would be to move out to the country somewhere first. I have a secret fantasy to live completely off the grid though I like being plugged in and close to everything too. I just have a little bug in my ear saying quit being so wasteful, stop the madness, be part of the solution not the problem, blahh blahh blahh. Do all of us have that or is that just me and my inability to quite that incurable optimist. Oh another problem I may have is that my husband may not have dreams of living off the grid. Though I know he is open to trying it and I think he could get excited about making our own power. 

President Obama

I know we all feel differently about policies and I can honestly say I am very much on the fence about this whole health care issue. That is not what I planned to get into now though. I recently watched A Time to Kill (when I should have been sleeping or working). It is a fiction movie but has a lot of actors and actresses I enjoy watching (Sandra Bullock, Samuel Jackson, Matthew McConaughey, and Kevin Spacey). It is based on racial injustice and inequality and truth prevailing. It really made me appreciate that we have come far enough as a country that we can elect a non-white President. It really is a huge accomplishment for us as a society. Considering our history and even current discrepancies. I love that the cycle has been broken. I pray for our President, and whether you like him or not, the truth is he is our President and we are one country united under God and should act like it. If there is one thing September 11th reminds me of it is the unitedness we were able to find as Americans. In such a huge tragedy I think many of us (myself included) felt proud to be an American. I remember in high school I would always say I planned to move to Canada. In a need to rebel and find my own way I struggled to find anything I loved about my country. After we were attacked I was really shaken (and had greatly matured since 16 years old). I realized I LOVE being in this country and am glad we are all free to be so different yet all be united as a nation. When it was announced that Obama would be our next President (which I did stay up to watch) I cried. Not a little tear in my eye but a full on sob. I was rooting for him though I originally supported someone else. I was so happy that we made such a huge progress in our need to have racial justice and equality. It is still so far from being equal but now at least one "can't" has been overcome. That is a beautiful thing! So beautiful it brought me to a full sob! Now I hope he does a great job with the huge responsibility he has and can remember the position is one of service.
I guess I am going to get into it. I am a little concerned about this whole health care issue but we deffinitely need something in place. Currently there are too many people in a civilized country only getting medical care in cases of emergency. What is sad is that so many things can be prevented with much cheaper preventive and regular care. I went many years without health insurance and being in a position where I HAD to go to the emergency room because of being so ill. It could have easily been prevented had I just gone and visited a doctor early on. I am not sure what the perfect solution is, and I do not like the idea of government run healthcare. Having worked for the goverment I know it is a hugely in-efficient system. We do need to start with some solution though. This is not a 3rd world country. Minimal medical care is something we should all have access to. I know current gov. employees have a choice of health care and the price you pay is a set percentage of the overall cost (tax payers cover the rest), but it kept it all with private companies. I like the idea of having to carry health insurance like we have to carry car insurance. Of course most people can not afford the current premiums if a company is not covering the majority so we need a solution. It costs thousands of dollars (per person) to put out a fire in the emergency room and so much of it can be prevented (as was in my case about 10 years). Guess what tax payers cover it either way. I would like to think we are not far off from being a much healthier country.

Bleaching dishes

It is 4:30 am and I just cleaned the kitchen. The dishes were so far behind that I knew it would require some hand washing. Washing dished has freaked me out since I heard about the revolution of sanitization and the decrease in food born sickness since the advent of the dishwasher. My grandmother mentioned bleaching dishes when washing by hand the other day and I thought 'of course that makes sense'. SO of course I jumped on google and quickly found instructions on how to do it. I have never appreciated the fact that I have to clean the food off my dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. Basically it doesn't wash them but sanitizes them. I have never had much appreciation of that and always felt it should be called a dish sanitizer not a "washer". I can officially say that I now appreciate my dish sanitizer. Cleaning, rinsing, sanitizing, and drying dishes by hand takes a long time. Also it involves the majority of my counter space. My hands are raw and I may have ruined my shirt. I now also understand why so many people own aprons (I do not). Live and learn. I have been wanting to start a blog and if I wasn't so tired I may have thought of something more interesting to write about, but I am tired and sick of procrastinating so here is my first official blog and I can not believe it is about doing dishes. Has my life really come to this :)