Relating with women

I have come to realize I do not relate with most women in a normal way and I am okay with that. I watch them and observe their behavior. I have seen girls have an absolute blast putting makeup on together and doing hair. The things that seem to be interesting I don't seem to be up with or get when I ease drop on a conversation. I should start by saying that I have always struggled to connect with girls and women. That is not to say I don't at all because I deffinitely do but it seems to be different than the way I witness most others. I am not sure if it is just the way I am made or if it is something that developed over time? I just know I have strived in my life to be normal (is there really such a thing) and I have strived in life at times to fully embrace my inner freak. So maybe as I creep further and further into adulthood I am just finding a happy medium where I realize I am not by any means normal and I am not all that different. I am just who I am. There are things about me that are strong and things about me that are not. If I spend all my time developing the parts of myself that are weak then I will never fully realize the potential that I can find if I focus more on developing the areas where I am strong. All that being said it is still a journey of realizing where my best strengths are and not letting others dictate that.
There is a whole world constantly telling me who I should be, what I should eat, how I should live, and what my dreams should look like. It can be hard to not let that cloud the truth.
The truth is I for as long as I can remember I have never wanted to be a princess (which I decided to confirm by phone with my mom). I didn't have dreams of being a beautiful bride. I was way more excited about saying "I do" and getting off to the honeymoon than the walk down the isle(which was absolutely terrifying). I watched a lot of disney movies as a kid and I really liked Lady and the Tramp among others. No particularly girlie movies stick out in my mind though. I enjoyed building, climbing trees and exploring. I would rather play school than house (and I was always the teacher). That was just me. I wish I could remember more of the happiest moments of my childhood and not the unhappy ones. I will say that my memory of childhood is very vaugue and there are a lot of holes so I could be totally wrong about some things. The point is that I don't remember being particularly girlie ever really. I have always known I do not connect easily with most girls and all of a sudden it finally dawned on me why last night. I think understanding it is good and will lead to being a little easier on myself (maybe).
Last night I went to a wonderful women's event and the speaker was great! She was very transparent and I love that! I left with a greater understanding of being thankful and finding the joy of God. It was such a moving speech and I am so glad I could be there. I also left with a slap in the face of reality though. The speaker said something about the dream of being a princess, and I know what she was talking about. I know because I have heard it talked about my whole life, but I can not relate with it at all. As I looked around the room I suddenly realized that most these women were completely relating with that and did appear to feel that way. I felt sort of alone and like I did not belong suddenly. At one time in my life I sold makeup and wore a lot because how can you sell a product you don't use? I put on makeup because I know it is expected and really at my age with this skin I feel people notice when I don't. I used to like to dress up to go dancing. I like to wear dresses. They are easy to match, they are flattering, and being short I don't have to worry about having them hemmed. I like to have nice clothes to wear, but I dread going to shop and find them. Also I realize most women do not get frustrated by the descrimination against women because they fall so easily into a role or function where they are not blatently descriminated against. I have worked in positions where I am the only female among men and that among other things put a need to fight for womens rights in my heart. I think I just don't enjoy what most women enjoy. I am just not very girlie and my husband would not have ever liked me if I was. I love hanging out with my girl friends and I do have some, but I don't know if they are different from most or if I just happen to hit it off with them. I just know the other night I had a moment where I felt isolated and like I did not belong all of a sudden and I had to wonder if I am the only one? Do most girls dream to be the Belle of the ball? Dream of being a princess? I remember wanting to be President of the US (and I am pretty sure I envisioned myself in a suit). Did I just forget about the part of me that did want to be prom queen, or did I push it out? All I know is I did not get particularly excited about my wedding dress other than the fact that I got a screaming good deal on it. I was able to order it on EBay from China and have it custom made to my size (saving hundreds on a tailor cost). I was excited that it only cost $150 and not thousands. I felt the whole wedding was a lot of money to spend on one day, but my hubby really wanted a wedding (as a pose to eloping). I just don't feel like I have ever fit the mold for a woman. Last night I just felt like it was set it in stone. But now what to do with that? I am not sure. I think I have always known it really but now that I am sure what do I do with it? How to embrace it and be confident despite the fact that I don't fit in with what all the world seems to be telling me I should be. I will just keep being me and try to be more confident in who I am made to be. I just need to quiet out anything that tries to tell me I was made broken or defective and be glad I have a husband who loves and appreciates me, friends who love me even once they really know me, and a God that made me perfectly and exactly as I should be and made me that way for a reason.

Fighting off temptation

Boy I need to be more consistent with my blogging. Time really zooms by when you are trying to cook dinner every night. Some nights double or more dinner. A few nights back my husband made pizza from scratch for him and the kids. It was good and I realized the next day as I ate the remaining leftovers that maybe I should not focus solely on cooking for health and economic reasons but also take advantage of the menu planning capabilities. I am a bit of a perfectionist, and a little obsessive at times. This applies very much to when I shop (which takes quite a while), and when I eat. I seem to have convinced myself that if we are going to make dinner at home that we have to make it super healthy, as cheap as possible, and dynamic (a.k.a. complicated). What can I say other than it should be perfect. My problem is not that I hold all others to ridiculous standards, (which has been a problem and occasionally tries to rear it's ugly head) but I hold myself to ridiculous standards (which unfortunately when I got married started to encompass my husband too). Sorry honey!! So when I fail to make everything come together perfectly I get overwhelmed (since I have control over everything right?). What complicates this further is an inability to focus because I have pretty severe ADD. It makes me who I am right? (Or should I be a totally focused and brilliant speed addict) So if I am never truly totally focused that means I screw up a lot and can't be perfect which leads me to feeling like I have failed. That is where I was a few nights ago. I cooked a ridiculous amount of food until very wee hours of the morning (4am-ish), I used lots of vegetables, did it all from scratch, put it in nice freezer packaging, labeled it, and stowed it away in the deep freeze (except what we are going to eat this week, which is in the fridge). Then found myself sad as I forced myself to eat it and stare at the healthy food I cooked in the fridge. Did I say cooked? I meant totally slaved over!! Sacrificed sleep for! A couple days later as I sat in the doctor’s office explaining how I felt (Exhausted!!). I mentioned that I had been up all night the night before with a crying sick feverish baby, but somehow left out the part where I stayed up the night before that cooking for the end times (at least you would think!). She checked us for the flu, nope. Said I was probably starting to come down with something. The whole time I was counting the 4 hours of sleep I had in the past 48 hours. Resenting the healthy food that sat awaiting me at home. Being secretly mad at my husband for getting sick at such a bad time. Mad at myself for having this brilliant idea to cook for the week. It was a little of a dark hour. The next day as I ate the left over pizza my husband made (not on the meal plan I might add); I thought how great it was that my husband cooked yummy food (instead of the healthy food I made). All of a sudden I realized the potential of cooking at home. Also the support of friends helped with encouraging me along the journey after a rough start. I had an epiphany that it does not have to all be super healthy and complicated all the time. I realized we can have pizza once a week and that will be fine, not to mention something to get excited about. I love cheese, pasta, pizza, bread, cream, butter, pretty much itallian or french style food. I realized it is okay to eat that too. As long as we are also eating healthy on some days. I know it is basic but I have had an inconsistent food journey. It went from being single eating out occasionally (not much) and eating non-meals most the time, aka snacks (smoothie, popcorn, fresh fruit, nuts, a yogurt, microwave meal, advacado, cheese slices, sandwiches, an egg, a tortilla with butter, piece of toast) to being married and learning to adapt to eating dinners together. I was vegetarian for the first part of the marriage so we ate out and at home some. The meals we made I don't remember fully, but no meat. (I need to try to get back to eating less meat). We ate lots of canned and frozen prepared food I know. The home made meals were hit or miss (experimenting). Then when I got pregnant and became a complete carnivore again we started eating out a lot, we bought packaged meals, and cooked occasionally. Grilled, husband cooked most of the meat meals (which was most). Even though we cooked it has never been consistent enough to have any particular staples or food we made often. Our most common foods were grilled, or baked fish and baked chicken. Neither of which I particularly love. I eat them because they are healthy sources of protein. I have realized I don't enjoy eating at home because I don't allow myself to eat food I enjoy the most! So my new goal will be to make several meals I really enjoy despite the fats, proteins, carbs, vitamins, and sodium they may or may not contain. Pizzas, pastas, cheesy yummy goodness. Now I can get excited about making and eating that! Of course after I had this revelation today I told my husband maybe we should start having desert after dinner. To which he laughed and said "didn't you just tell me we need to make less complicated meals!"….. Oh yeah... then I said "Well desert would give me something to look forward to after I eat the meals I force myself to eat". At least my inconsistency can provide him a good laugh every once in a while.


I used to always take healthy food for my work lunch because I knew I couldn't eat anything else and I would force myself to eat it. I almost always did. It was a way to keep myself eating well, but I now realize I can’t do that all the time with all our meals. God blessed us in this country with the availability of milk, and honey. In moderation this is a good thing! And if used properly can create some mighty tasty food!

Pizza… pizza…. how I enjoy thee, and will perfect the making of thee.

I almost forgot the point. We passed several favorite place to dine as we drove around tonight running errands. Luckily we decided we had to eat dinner before going out. It surprised me how much those places did not tempt me since I had a great and filling dinner (and was not the slightest bit hungry)! The trick to fighting the temptation to eat out is to not leave the house hungry or unprepared. Always have a yummy snack handy. Now to actually stick to that!

I repent!! Please forgive me!

I recently ran both me and my hubby's credit because we are considering trying to move (AGAIN!) and I noticed something disturbing from the past year. It was VERY disturbing. While our goal at the beginning of the year was to decrease our debt (actually an ongoing goal since we got married), the sad reality was it appeared to increase. SO I began to investigate. Now the way this happened was not one simple thing but many many oversights, disorganization, and lack of discipline and planning on our part. Oh how my heart sinks just typing that! Ahhh. Am I actually admitting how completely terrible we were this year with our finances. It is totally embarrassing and completely true! I am on some level hoping the truth will set us free though. One thing we were very convicted on was that we have been eating out WAY too much. This has led us to commit to a fast from eating out. We will be eating from home (or with others at their home when invited) until our anniversary in April (approx 6 months).




The story of our debt and bad habit forming is a long (maybe uninteresting) one….

We both came into the marriage with debt (me much more) and not to minimize that but we both put ourselves through school and in a challenging degree so at some level I believe there had to be some sacrifice.

It is possible we could have done better and had less debt but I am not sure how much less. Every semester I did my budget and the expenses were always over the income. It was depressing. And I lived in some places I am sure would be considered dumps. I paid I am sure close to the minimum possible to have a roof over head. I went several times through the years car-less. I ate Ramen more times than I can count and I tried to find the cheapest books, food, cars, and rent possible. So it wasn't as if there was not an effort to not accumulate the debt. I constantly applied for (and received a few) scholarships. With all that effort though I had still accumulated some debt.

Then I feel there was a decent reason, lack of decent income and huge expenses. This time what happened was we experienced a short time of life where we had two great and steady incomes (when we were first married) and had a plan to get out of debt (quickly!). Our income (due to the degrees we obtained debt for) was far exceeding of our expenses. We had a low house payment (comparatively), a big house, decent cars, and plenty of money to pay off debt. We had a plan and when we didn't stick to it completely and splurged it was not a huge deal. Ultimately it just slowed down our long term debt payoff plan. We built up a good savings, we were knocking down our debt in large amounts each month, we were serving and volunteering. Things were going exactly as planned. Until......... I decided to believe the lie that we would struggle with having children. I decided that we would have to adopt. Very quickly I was informed this was a lie, and prayed over by some wonderful friends! We started trying to have a child (which was not in the quick debt payoff plan or any short term plan). Of course we got pregnant within a month! We were ecstatic about our blessing! Our perfect budget plan though did not have a place for this change. We soon decided to reduce our income to less than half of what it was. This meant we had to sell the big house, buy a small much less expensive house, and slow down our debt payoff plan (pretty much halt it). We decided to save money on commission and sold our house on our own (looking back a terrible mistake-we sold way too low and didn't save anything!). Bought a little cheap fixer upper and started just barely getting by on one income. This was not as easy as envisioned. So we spent all our savings for me to get started in a new career (in real estate). I worked really hard and made enough to replace the savings we used plus some the first year. We were surprised (and slightly depressed) when the second pregnancy came. We were already crammed into the small house and the urge to get into a bigger home was overwhelming. So we bought a bigger house further out for a great deal and rented out the smaller house. It actually worked out that the new house overall only costs $100 more per month than the other house that was 1000 square feet less. God really was all over that move and blessed us with it! So what is the problem? Well in all those moves and changes I don't think my mentality ever really changed from the large income to the small income. Our margin changed of how much wiggle room existed. We were wise to decrease expenses we could, but we could have done a little better there. Where we really messed up though was changing our lifestyle and perception. We (in a short amount of time) got used to eating out and not worrying too much if we spent $20 that was not budgeted. For a short amount of time we could do that. We never learned to live without eating out and never developed a habit of eating at home. We never tracked our spending very closely because we were not at huge risk of spending more than we made (for a short amount of time).

Also we had more time to cook before we had kids. We did not have any clue that how busy we thought we were was nothing compared to what was on the horizon. We did not know how busy, busy could get to be. We thought we knew what tired was, but had hardly experience the true tired that you just have to get through because there is no other option. All this is to say we were not prepared for the discipline that would be needed when things got really tough. We went through a period when our 2nd was coming due and after she was born of truly living on one income. With the cost of the birth and the unrealistic budget we ended up realizing we would have to use our credit cards to get by for a little. The real problem is that we have credit cards and that was our emergency plan. Emergency had arrived. We bought groceries on credit *gasp* I felt convicted. We were moving the wrong direction with our finances. Then what happened next was so much worse. We didn't take the credit cards out of our wallet/purse! I just can't believe it after the progress we had made!! Then we used them when we knew we didn't have the cash. Our method of tracking our budget relied on tracking our bank account and not necessarily our spending. I was not as involved in our finances as I should have been (can't you just ignore it and hope it goes away or that someone else is handling it). We had lost control and given into entitlement, gluttony, sloppiness, I am not sure what to call it. We started realizing things were going badly, we had some talks, I started trying to get involved, I started trying to track down what was going on. I put all the credit cards away (I thought). The problem was still there though. Bad habits, bad ideas about money, lack of an accountability system, heck lack of a good system. Slowly it built up to the climax of the credit report. We had managed to pay down some credit card debt despite our bad habits the year before with the income overage from my working part time. Then came the blow of no income for a while. Then many months of using 2 credit cards willy nilly. I don't pay the bills and managed to just ignored the reality for a little while. No bills were late and the minimum was being paid. Then I finally realized (opened my eyes to the fact) things in our finances were not going well! Then the revealing credit report. Realized we increased our debt (as a pose to paying it down this year). Tallied up exactly how much we increased it in 12 months. What was SO important that we accumulated more debt for it. What WAS so important. What was our emergency? Some did go to things we needed, car repair, utility bills, and groceries. Though if we didn't have credit cards maybe we would have found creative solutions to pay those things. That is how it started apparently (things we didn't have money for because income was less than expenses). Then the really bad part........... Eating out, over and over. On two different cards in a matter of months we dug ourselves quite the little hole! Is it possible when things got to the worst we spent the most! Maybe trying to convince ourselves that we were still doing great. Just stick our fingers in our ears and go "la la la" in hopes that it would all go away. Even worse than that we bought gifts and paid for others to eat out in complete denial that we were seriously strapped for cash. Oh just unspeakable! SO we were convicted and we both reviewed the finding together. After a little prayer and a lot of talking we repented for being completely terrible with what we had been entrusted. For not being totally honest about the reality and trying to hide from it! We committed to developing healthier one income habits. Because really our original plan when we first got married was to live one income and save the other. To pay off debt, build a savings and then have kids. We never learned to do the first one (living on one income) so we were setting ourselves up to fail on the rest. The one thing I can say without a doubt we never learned to fully do was eat at home. Grabbing something has always been an option. Which means poorly planning and being unprepared has always been an option on some level. So we are going to get in the habit of eating at home. To help us in doing that we are committing to not eating out until our anniversary (approx. 6 months) other than on the cruise we are taking in January (was already paid for before the complete reality check). We started this commitment off several days ago with a great meal at home of roasted lamb chops(bought a long time ago), eggplant, and corn. Plus made from scratch apple pie for dessert! It was good and surprisingly did not take all that long. I planned out all of our meals for the week (for the first time since our marriage) and made a grocery list from that. We have committed to making a list and sticking to it also. After talking with a friend I realized I may be making the eating at home thing too complicated and need a little help in the basic meal planning arena. If I plan too complicated of dinners I may be making things much harder on us and ultimately setting us up for failure. SO time to learn how real people really eat at home every day (who don't have Martha Stewart running the kitchen). She gave me a great idea of eating breakfast for dinner. What a great idea! So easy and breakfast tastes so much better at night. We have a lot of learning to do and I can already tell we will be very tempted and must guard ourselves from that! The first day we were starting our fast from eating (and drinking) out my two year old said "where are we going?"

I said "home to eat dinner"

He said "I don't want to go home, I want to go to a restaurant"

I said "No you don't because we are going to go home and have a yummy dinner"

He said "But I want rice without peas and carrots and some orange chicken" (to which I was astonished)

I said "Well I don't have money to pay for that so tonight we are going to eat from home"

He said "That's okay mommy I can use the money from my piggy bank to buy us orange chicken" (my jaw dropped)

Then I yelled.......... Satan get back!



JUST KIDDING!

Then I realized, Wow we have been modeling that for him and he learned that though he will not spend money from his piggy bank on anything because he wants to "save it" (as we try to teach). Buying food is worth losing all that saved money for. Sad really. But made me realize how much we really needed this fast from eating out.

Then today at our neighborhood fall festival my hubby won a certificate for a free pizza. Unexpected and in our face the temptation to eat out FOR FREE. We discussed it and I think we are in agreement that we will be giving that away to someone. Because we are trying to get in a mentality that eating out is not an option. It is too ingrained in our minds that eating out is an easy back-up plan and it really should not even be an option according to our budget. Once we get in a healthier place financially maybe we can budget it in eventually but for now I think it is important that we plan as if restaurants and fast food didn't exist on every street corner. Pack lots of snacks, and meals when we are driving. Plan out our meals in the weeks and months ahead. Freeze more meals for the crazy days. Develop more regular recipes that are locked in the brain and easy to fall back on regularly. Also I am realizing our grocery budget can be reduced if we cut back on convenience foods and learn to make more from scratch. In the next 6 months I hope to learn many tips and tricks to cooking at home and eating at home, meal planning and grocery planning.

Also for the record we did decide if someone insists on taking us out their treat, we will not turn them down for the sake of the fast because it is the same as rejecting a dinner invitation to someone's home which we would not do. We do not intend to cease fellowshipping with people, but if possible will try to do it at our home or theirs if possible. I have a feeling it will be most times. Also if we go to an event with food provided of course we will eat there (such as a wedding, conference, and banquet) we are not trying to be too crazy with it. We are trying to change a bad habit and create a healthy one in its place.

Get some perspective

It is so easy to get wrapped up in the day to day and all the immediate things that need to be done. All the demands on time and expectations. It is easy to loose perspective and sight of why to do what I do. I am motivated by the why, the goal as it were. For me it is critical to keep a clear perspective or I very quickly loose sight of what should be priority at any given moment. Sometimes I forget in the hustle and bustle of tons of paperwork the biggest part and most beneficial part of my work is relationships. I have the privelege of spending time and getting to know people and that really is a privelege. Tonight I met some people who are going through a hard time and the whole time we were talking about property values I felt like their was a huge elephant in the room being ignored. The bigger issue than the house. I hope that through my work I can become better at helping people with things other than their property! With things on a soul and spiritual level. It takes a lot of talking with people to get to that place but I know that is a much greater purpose than any piece of real estate. I really enjoy looking at houses and the excitment of helping people buy and sell but I am passionate about helping those who are hurting. I am passionate about the people. Sometimes all the stuff, administative, and analytical tasks that need to be done (and keep me up well into the night) can fill up so much time that I start trying to be efficient with people. If you have ever read the 7 habits then you know efficient does not equal effective. I know this but I still struggle with it. I know I have my anti-social moments where I want to just crawl into a hole and hide. I am not sure why. In those moments it is really hard to connect with people because I don't feel it. It is not all the time but when it comes to visit I ussually become a little isolated. It is during this time I am vunerable to being attacked by the thought monster who tries to fill my head up with lies, insecurity, and short comings. Funny as I write this, that the solution seems so obvious. When those times come I just need to get around people I can trust who love me. Even though I don't feel like it. I actually know for a fact that this works though (from experience). The number one reason I don't though is because I am too busy and other people are busy. When did the world get so busy? (I think sometime around kid #2 things really just got crazy busy). The other day I heard someone say "I am bored" and I thought to myself.... I don't know the last time I felt bored. I am pretty sure if I ever have some time to be bored I will be using it to catch up on sleep! Alot has happened since my last blog but I don't have time to catch it up. I need to stay consistant with this blog though because my memory has become so poor I really like being able to see what was going through my mind previous weeks and days. Goodnight!

Clean up that life

While cleaning, organizing and decluttering today (I made a little dent) I realized we will never reach the  financial place we would like to be (no debt, financial security etc) if we don't get our other houses in order. One of those being our actual dwelling. While cleaning today I found several unused coupons (for things we buy), several things we ended up buying another of because we lost the first one (such as a plunger and dust pan), things that should have been disgaurded long ago and things we should sell or donate. I know we have de-cluttered many times at this point, but somehow it doesn't stick. I know 2 reasons it didn't stick this time. We moved in a rush, didn't take any time off work and there were literally still boxes (a year and a half later) that were not unpacked! Also somehow we adopted boxes and boxes of my mother in laws junk that she saw as too valueable to get rid of but not important enough to take with her. I have this little voice in me that is always yelling "simplify"! Then I have this other one (maybe of my parents) saying "you could use that some day don't throw it away" or even better "years from now you will look back on that and be so glad you kept the memory" (or something to that affect).  That is what my camera and video camera are for. The time of holding onto the actual physical memorabilia has passed. I would much rather take a photo of the ticket to the special event than hold on to the ticket. (the photo keeps it in mint condition, another perk). My husband and I both grew up with out a whole lot of money and I understand the need to be thrifty and not wasteful. At some level though if you are hanging onto something so you won't have to buy one if you ever need one then you will accumulate a ton of these type things. Then you have so many things that you can't find anything and you are paying mortgage or rent so there is enough space to store all these things (that may not even sell at a yard sell - true junk). Before I know it I am once again surrounded by this chaos of stuff. I know it is fall but I a feeling a serious need to do some spring cleaning. I have also realized I have a mental hang up about throwing away any thing I paid for. I used to have a similar problem with food on my plate. To get past my need to eat all the food on my plate (which means eating beyond the point of being full) I started making a conscious attempt to leave at least 2 bites on my plate, regaurdless if I was still hungry or not. This actually worked and I now rarely clean my plate and only if I am still hungry. I need to think of a similar strategy for getting over my need to keep things I paid for. I need to be okay with throwing things away I can no longer use or have a need for. I have a much easier time throwing away stuff other people paid for (not perfected but much easier). Maybe I need someone else (not just me and hubby) come and help declutter. Someone without emotional attachment to the stuff :)
I feel awesome that I filled our trash can and recycle bin!!! Oh and does anyone out there want a Super Nintendo? It is going in the trash if still in the garage after 30 days.

Why aren't kids free?

I was looking at cruises tonight because I had this great idea today that maybe we could go on a cruise if we took the babes and my mother to help. The reason this was a great idea is because a 3rd person's ticket is cheap and I thought the kids would be free. Unfortunately all the cruise lines charge for kids (can we say full price!) and most ships have a max room occupancy of 4. So they would need us to buy 2 room and a total of 5 tickets!! It would cost a little over $1000 more to bring the kids. Whoa! It seems rediculous to me, but of course the cruise reps sat "You are getting 5 people for only $XX which is only $ per person per day." To which I respond "the kids hardly eat and will be sleeping in our beds." This does not matter though. I am just disapointed that my idea  flopped. I really thought we could take a vacation for less than $1000, but only if we want the kids and nanna to go while we stay home. Otherwise we are over budget. Darn! Back to the old vacation drawing board.

The cop made me cry

Or maybe it was just the last straw on a day that was rapidly spiraling downward. Ugg.. I am tired. I committed to writing a blog (even if no one reads it). So hear I am. I know my child should listen to me based on the respect and honor he holds for me, but today listened to me out of fear (because I yelled). I am usually pretty good about keeping my cool. I try to not be influenced by my 2 year old loosing control of his emotions and to stay positive and calm. Today he broke me. I lost it. Standing outside of my house trying to get him in his car seat. We had already had a very hard morning and my hormones have been going nuts, and I was exhausted. He was refusing to get in the car and when he did ran all around it playing a game of mommy can't catch me. I grabbed him put him in the seat and said "ut oh you are not listening you need to sit down". Of course he screamed "I don't want to listen!" as he arched his back and bucked and twisted out of my grip (and out of his carseat). Then I just lost my cool and in two year old fashion screamed back in a very loud mean voice "You better stay in your car seat" as I tried to use my 100 pounds to actually keep him there. Instantly he got this look of fear (and stopped crying for a few seconds). As I buckled him in he cried "no yelling mommy" (and kept kicking and screaming) then I turned to see a neighbor staring at me in as they had been going by on a walk. Awesome. I drove off thinking 'Were they mortified that I screamed in my 2 year olds face or were they enjoying watching a grown woman wrestle a 2 year old into a car seat (or both)'. As my toddler gets older it does get easier because he can be reasoned with and learn to cope with emotions. Also comprehension is better. Today was just an unusually difficult day. It started off on a wrong foot and we were tired. My beautiful 2 year old came in this morning to wake me up and said "I am hungry". We have a chart we follow and so I went and got it. I explained we would eat breakfast after we go potty or get a clean diaper (as we do everyday) and he LOST it. Full blow tantrum. Arm flailing, legs kicking, screaming, crying, the works! "No potty, no diaper" over and over again. Keeping my mommy cool I said "okay well when you are calm tell mommy and we will have breakfast after you go potty. He threw a fit for a good 5 minutes. Then calmed down walked to the living room and said he needed help with his pajamas so he could go potty. I helped him and he skipped (no joke) to the restroom all happy, looked at the potty and lost it. "I don't want to go potty!" Full blow tantrum in the hallway. Kicking the wall the works. Now at this point I know he is hungry and cranky. Normally would not put up with kicking of the walls but decide to pretend not to notice as I walk off and tell him 'after you are calm and go potty we can have breakfast'. I only thought the tantrum couldn't get worse until I said that. Whoa! Somebody call and exorcist! Arching back kicking, banging his head on the floor, flailing, blood curdling noise flying out. (Of course I am talking to the baby pretending to not acknowledge this outrageous tantrum (over nothing?)). I want to reassure him that everything is okay. So we are sitting 10 feet away and I am telling my baby 'oh I love your bubba, I have no idea what he is saying because he is not calm, he is so sweet when he is not crying and I can hear what he is saying'. Tantrum continues for at least 10 more minutes. Long enough to make coffee, give the baby some breakfast, and eat a tortilla with butter. So long that it was disturbing. Finally I don't think he is mentally at a point where he is going to calm himself down and the tantrum hasn't died down at all. I go in the hall pick him up (flailing and all) and start reminding him to breathe (because I am really feeling he is too worked up). I start breathing deep and after about 30 seconds of resisting (and an unintentional head butt to the face) he finally collapses into me and hugs me while he starts calming down (still a full cry though). I hug him and tell him I love him. Dirty soggy diaper, naked otherwise, I walk him to the kitchen and sit him down to eat breakfast. Normally (not always) I give him a choice (if we have more than one thing) of two things for breakfast. If he has already cried by breakfast then I don't because it tend to set him off, also it is a privilege to pick breakfast. So I play it safe and make him his favorite breakfast food a bagel. He see that I am making a bagel and starts screaming 'I don't want a bagel!! NO BAGEL' as he climbs down from his chair and runs to my feet to start crying (what the heck has gotten into him!). So I breathe and say "oh this is mommies’ bagel, do you want a muffin or bagel for breakfast" (I am thinking he is probably upset because I didn't let him choose). He screams "I don't want anything" and starts hitting me. Hitting is under no circumstances acceptable and if ever anything justifies a spanking it is intentional violence. I try to go a little easy because he has not eaten and had a rough morning and is not coping well (obviously). I take him to his room for timeout and tell him he can come out as soon as he stops crying. (Did I mention the going limp then flailing as I carried him to his room). I am exhausted at this point as is he. Oh and I am trying to watch my fearless and curious 10 month old. So I go for my emergency back up plan and turn on Sesame Street. He is screaming in his room and comes running out to the sound of the music and cries "NO SESAME STREET!!!" Turns off the TV and knocks over his sister. I say "ut oh that was not sweet" and carry my tantruming, flailing child back to his room. (I can not ignore pushing right). He is loosing it (this is the endless tantrum from hell!). He continues to loose it for a good 20 minutes (still naked and in a soggy diaper). I use this time to get dressed and change the baby for a second time (she is almost always in a constant state of happiness unless she is hungry or tired, her dad's personality-God had mercy on me). Finally cookie monster starts singing the cookie song and my toddler still crying comes out of his room to check it out. I have his bagel at the kitchen table and wait for him to calm down then tell him I have bagels on the table. He has stopped crying. Looks at me walks over to the table and with that stubborn rebellious whatever the consequence I will win attitude throws the bagels to the wall which bounce off and hit the floor and says in a very defiant tone "No bagels". Really?? Oh my gosh! I have to discipline him for that right. I would love to just ignore it but he is trying to test me and we of course can not allow throwing food. Also that tone he used he might as well have told me with explicative in the middle. Ugg.. "Ut oh that is so sad. We don't throw food and make messes in our house". I haven't even made it to him before he is again in a full tantrum. Exhausted I drag/carry him to his room. I tell him to stay in his room until he is ready to follow the house rules (posted in his room and through out the house). [1.Be sweet 2.No mess making 3.Listen to Mommy and Daddy 4.Help others] He can pretend to read them to me (correctly) so I know he knows them. Tantrum last a good 20 minutes. Elmos World comes on and that gets his interest. He walks out crying. I have decided to avoid any further battles because he is hungry which makes him cranky. I put the bagels on a plate on the couch with a drink. I don't mention it and let him finish watching the end of Sesame Street. I figure if he notices and is hungry enough they are there. He stops crying. Sesame street ends and I tell the baby "look there is a plate on the couch". He looks over there climbs on the couch , tells his sister "this is my plate!" and starts eating. In retro spec maybe he won that battle? At least I finally got him to eat (an hour and a half later). When he finished eating I HAD to get that diaper off. I told him "I need to change your diaper" he told me "NO I want to keep my diaper" (of course). So like a band aid I went and ripped it off really fast and wiped. Guess what time it was. Naked tantrum time. I let him tantrum for a while until he started gagging. At which point I sat next to him and held him close and "shuuushed" him kicking and screaming until he just turned into me and started catching his breath. Finally he was calm. I carried him to the couch and sat with him. We were supposed to be visiting a friend for a play date but were no where close to being ready. I packed the diaper bag, found the keys, and asked him if he wanted to go see his friend. I was actually surprised when he said no. Getting the diaper on and clothes on were there own battles. I did a good job keeping cool until the car when I finally yelled at him (I don't know if I have ever done that). The worst part I guess is that it worked. Play date went well until he went #2 in his diaper and I tried to change him. He was fighting and tantruming. Nothing like wrestling a child with poop and trying to not let it get anywhere, hold him still and wipe him. So we left. He tantrumed all the way to the car, to his seat, while I buckled him, while we drove. He was upset we left (I told him if he didn’t lie down and let me change him we would have to leave). When we got home he refused to get out of his car seat and buckled himself back up! I was exhausted and said "okay you want to stay in the car, we are going inside" and walked in the door (left the car door and house door open). I watched him through the blinds and after about a minute his tantrum changed to "I want to go inside". I smiled, at least I can get some entertainment out of this- one point for mom. I asked him if he would stop crying, and he tried to stop and say yes. I asked him if he would be sweet and listen to mommy. He said "I sweet, I listen" as he was catching his breathes. So something was out of whack today. The baby stayed up trough the whole first nap time and come 2nd nap time both were still going strong. So after lunch instead of having another battle with nap time I decided to go run errands and give them an opportunity to rest on a nice boring drive to the bank and to donate at Goodwill. The baby fell asleep. I went to the bank. Toddler still going strong and talking a million miles a minute. I stopped in a parking lot and checked face book, my email, said a prayer, and looked up goodwill on the gps. Toddler realizes we have been stopped for a while "Mommy why you stop. Keep driving mommy. Where we going? Where next?". "We are going to donate some things and then home. Mommy had to stop to get directions". "I am thirsty mommy" oh no I did not bring a sippy cup. duh. I thought surely with all the crying he would go right to sleep. We just ate lunch and he drank plenty. "We will get a drink when we get home sweetie in just a little bit" "but mommy stop and get juice and a HOTDOG" as we drive by Sonic. ugg have I really stopped there enough for him to know they have apple juice and a hotdog. Bad mommy. "Sweetie we will get food and a drink when we get back home". Phone rings. It is my friend from bible study. I should take it and see if we are still meeting tonight. I take the call. Up ahead is flashing yellow lights. School Zone. I slow down. It is not 2:30 yet is it why is it already flashing. Get a bad feeling. Look in the rear view. I am being pulled over. Fantastic. Fits pretty well with how my day has gone. I wasn't speeding. What the heck!


"gotta let you go I am getting a ticket"


Toddler "Don't stop mommy. Do you need gas mommy? (Pulled in a gas station)"


Dig for driver’s license and insurance.


"Do you know why I pulled you over ma'am?"


"Is that a police man mommy?"


"Actually I was not sure why."


"Look Mommy IT'S a POLICE MAN at your widow"(pure joy)


"Ma'am it is against the law to drive in a school zone and use a cellular device and I witnessed you using you cell phone"


"Really?? I didn't know that was against the law?" (I really didn't!)


"Yes ma'am and I will have to give you a ticket because we have absolutely zero tolerance for this sort of thing. It is a safety issue"


ugg. I just got deferred adjudication on a ticket for speeding a couple of months ago. 40 in a 30. (I was lost and didn't know the speed limit so I was trying to hang with traffic and it wasn't residential but rural). I realize insurance premiums will be arising, and I will now have a ticket on my record. ugg. I wanted to ask him if this is considered a moving violation when he walked back to my window with the ticket. Since I was on the verge of tears though I decided to just Google it later. He drove off and I was upset. I drove around the back of the station towards an exit and just barely missed running head on into someone else taking the corner around the building too fast. The adrenaline rush must have put me over the top. I lost it and started crying. Parked the car.


"Why are you crying mommy? Are you sad?"


"Yes sweetie"


"Why mommy?" (Maybe it is not a good idea to tell him the policeman made me sad, I want him to honor and trust them)


"Mommy is just really tired and needs a nap sweetie"


Better suck it up and keep driving. Pray a little. Breathe a lot. Back towards Goodwill. Drop stuff off. Man tries to be as nice as he can. Ask me if I want a receipt or if he can help me in anyway several times. Must be obvious that I have been crying. Toddler still wide awake.


"I am thirsty and hungry mommy"


Driving home he sees a Sonic in the distance.


"Can you get me apple juice mommy?" oh what the heck it is half price happy hour


Pull in.


"Yay! I am happy we get apple juice and a hotdog mommy! Do you want apple juice and a hotdog too?"


Hotdog??? I didn't agree to that. I can't argue anymore. I feel beat. "No mommy doesn't want a hotdog sweetie"


"You don't want to eat a hotdog too mommy?"


"No. thank you sweetie"


Never did take a nap but was happy most the rest of the day. More PBS when we got home. I was too tired for anything else. Thank goodness tomorrow is a fresh new day. Watching our parenting video or reading a book may need to get prioritized on my To Do list again soon.


Morning is not my preferred time to have issues. I am not a morning person and my son takes a lot after me. I am thinking of removing potty as the first thing we do to avoid morning melt downs as we get started. I could put it after breakfast but he usually needs to go first thing and we are trying to encourage potty training. It would help avoid some early morning battles though. Any thoughts?

Going green (getting off the grid)

So I have always secretly wanted a roof covered in solar panels, a power generating windmill, and an organic garden. (Don't we all?) But I am not sure where one would get started with this sort of thing. Is it possible to start small? I have a fig tree (that has never produced fruit). Does that count? We struggle to keep our yard alive. I wouldn't even pretend to know how to start a garden. I remember we planted one with my mom when I was around 10 or 11. It was really cool! I do have memories of it being a lot of work too, and remember quite a bit of hoe-ing (what is the proper term for that?). I am pretty sure my mom did much more work than we did. Even the work we did seemed like a lot though. Also I am pretty sure solar panels would not be approved by the HOA. I guess the first step would be to ask though. If they said no then I guess the next step would be to move out to the country somewhere first. I have a secret fantasy to live completely off the grid though I like being plugged in and close to everything too. I just have a little bug in my ear saying quit being so wasteful, stop the madness, be part of the solution not the problem, blahh blahh blahh. Do all of us have that or is that just me and my inability to quite that incurable optimist. Oh another problem I may have is that my husband may not have dreams of living off the grid. Though I know he is open to trying it and I think he could get excited about making our own power. 

President Obama

I know we all feel differently about policies and I can honestly say I am very much on the fence about this whole health care issue. That is not what I planned to get into now though. I recently watched A Time to Kill (when I should have been sleeping or working). It is a fiction movie but has a lot of actors and actresses I enjoy watching (Sandra Bullock, Samuel Jackson, Matthew McConaughey, and Kevin Spacey). It is based on racial injustice and inequality and truth prevailing. It really made me appreciate that we have come far enough as a country that we can elect a non-white President. It really is a huge accomplishment for us as a society. Considering our history and even current discrepancies. I love that the cycle has been broken. I pray for our President, and whether you like him or not, the truth is he is our President and we are one country united under God and should act like it. If there is one thing September 11th reminds me of it is the unitedness we were able to find as Americans. In such a huge tragedy I think many of us (myself included) felt proud to be an American. I remember in high school I would always say I planned to move to Canada. In a need to rebel and find my own way I struggled to find anything I loved about my country. After we were attacked I was really shaken (and had greatly matured since 16 years old). I realized I LOVE being in this country and am glad we are all free to be so different yet all be united as a nation. When it was announced that Obama would be our next President (which I did stay up to watch) I cried. Not a little tear in my eye but a full on sob. I was rooting for him though I originally supported someone else. I was so happy that we made such a huge progress in our need to have racial justice and equality. It is still so far from being equal but now at least one "can't" has been overcome. That is a beautiful thing! So beautiful it brought me to a full sob! Now I hope he does a great job with the huge responsibility he has and can remember the position is one of service.
I guess I am going to get into it. I am a little concerned about this whole health care issue but we deffinitely need something in place. Currently there are too many people in a civilized country only getting medical care in cases of emergency. What is sad is that so many things can be prevented with much cheaper preventive and regular care. I went many years without health insurance and being in a position where I HAD to go to the emergency room because of being so ill. It could have easily been prevented had I just gone and visited a doctor early on. I am not sure what the perfect solution is, and I do not like the idea of government run healthcare. Having worked for the goverment I know it is a hugely in-efficient system. We do need to start with some solution though. This is not a 3rd world country. Minimal medical care is something we should all have access to. I know current gov. employees have a choice of health care and the price you pay is a set percentage of the overall cost (tax payers cover the rest), but it kept it all with private companies. I like the idea of having to carry health insurance like we have to carry car insurance. Of course most people can not afford the current premiums if a company is not covering the majority so we need a solution. It costs thousands of dollars (per person) to put out a fire in the emergency room and so much of it can be prevented (as was in my case about 10 years). Guess what tax payers cover it either way. I would like to think we are not far off from being a much healthier country.

Bleaching dishes

It is 4:30 am and I just cleaned the kitchen. The dishes were so far behind that I knew it would require some hand washing. Washing dished has freaked me out since I heard about the revolution of sanitization and the decrease in food born sickness since the advent of the dishwasher. My grandmother mentioned bleaching dishes when washing by hand the other day and I thought 'of course that makes sense'. SO of course I jumped on google and quickly found instructions on how to do it. I have never appreciated the fact that I have to clean the food off my dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. Basically it doesn't wash them but sanitizes them. I have never had much appreciation of that and always felt it should be called a dish sanitizer not a "washer". I can officially say that I now appreciate my dish sanitizer. Cleaning, rinsing, sanitizing, and drying dishes by hand takes a long time. Also it involves the majority of my counter space. My hands are raw and I may have ruined my shirt. I now also understand why so many people own aprons (I do not). Live and learn. I have been wanting to start a blog and if I wasn't so tired I may have thought of something more interesting to write about, but I am tired and sick of procrastinating so here is my first official blog and I can not believe it is about doing dishes. Has my life really come to this :)